I've had a touch of writers' block. Searching for something to write about, because I really want to...need to almost...but too many things bobbing around in my head to focus on one thing. That makes it difficult. Some ideas are deep and philosophical, some are strong and pointed and not many are funny and lighthearted...I like those the best, but they are harder to carve out of my psyche. Chasing my thoughts around all day is a full time job. When there is laundry to be done, meals to prepare, fights to break up and school to be done, my thoughts need to be quickly lassoed and put into a corral for the right time. Schooling with the kids is best because it occupies my limited mind space and pushed other thoughts away...far away.
Guess what really cool thing is happening in one month?? It will be my 40th birthday!! November 1st...I leave the hip 30's and join the graying 40's. I have been watching my peers make the dreaded transition all year long. Some don't care, but for most is seems to be somewhat tragic. I think it is a very dangerous time in a person's life. It's that "midlife" time of evaluation, reflection and decisions. We realize that we are sort of half way through our life and wonder how we've done, what we've done and what we still want to do. It can be depressing...if we look at it through the wrong glasses. It can make or break a person's life and that of those directly around them.
I haven't done a lot of things.
All of my dreams have not been fulfilled.
I'm still dreaming and dreaming in high definition.
But...I'm not depressed.
I'm not regretful.
I'm not looking for a change.
I'm not in crisis.
I'm still 20.
If anyone could get depressed and set off in midlife crisis, it would be me. I'm the type. It's not that my life is so perfect...that's funny. My life is simple, unexciting, unimpressive and can be very stressful. But it's also simple, stable, real and victorious. I'm living my dream of having an amazing husband and family, having a mountain view every morning and waking up to a job I love. I still haven't gone to Africa to help starving children, heard Il Divo live at the Coliseum nor bought an old cottage home in rural England...but I'm not dead yet. I'm letting go of my dreams of being a track and field athlete, raising kids on a spacious horse ranch and being a Dancing With the Stars (Jon Bon Jovi) partner. My point is that you learn contentment, you work at understanding what is important and you determine to do and respond to life in a humble, trusting way.
My life is not my own. I was bought at a price and what happens in me is not up to me completely. I am not desiring to have "My best life now" as is the modern mindset. My best life will come later, after the work is done here. My Father has a job for me to do and He makes it enjoyable because He is in it constantly. Being in His will and with Him IS joy. It's all in how you look at life, not what happens in life...and that part is a choice...an everyday, every hour choice. Coffee and music helps a lot too :)
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Pushing aside the "get r' done" part of me that always tries to make things happen is difficult, but key. It's great to a point, but then, when all is said and done, I am persuaded to give my will up to someone much wiser and deserving the I. He knows what I really want, better that I do. He has given me 40 years on this planet and He will guide and direct however many are left...they belong to Him. I will kick and scream at times, but I will more often grab His gentle, faithful hand enjoy the walk. Letting go of the American dream and holding to the Lord. Yeah...that's the secret. Whatever my lot, good or bad, I am learning to say "It is well with my soul". Probably the hardest hymn to sing in all honesty.
I've enjoyed the rain and wind this morning, and now the sun and blue sky are showing...I'm going to enjoy them too...and keep dreaming.