Vacation of the Will


I'm hoping that a change will be as good as a rest. This summer was anything but a restful break, so it's unique activity must serve as a break of sorts...because summer is over...school starts tomorrow...blink....start again. 

One thing, of many, that I am looking forward to, is blogging again. I tried, but simply could not find time to write this summer. From the first break of light and bird chirp, to the last washed dish of the warm evening, these fingers were otherwise occupied. Countless runs to lawn mowing sites, beaches and bon fires kept me out of trouble. Trying to figure out how make meals without the heat of  roasting and no BBQ was a challenge. Experimenting with THM meals was fun and we have lost SOME weight. Waterski camp was another great success this year...no major injuries and spiritual growth apparent. A "Hee Haw" barn dance was a long awaited dream come true of sorts too.

I would say the highlight of my summer was a still small voice. No big vacation happened. No major relaxation occurred. There were lots of disappointments this summer. That happens when you set your sights on something you want and then your own impotence or circumstance gets in the way. I am not greatly acquainted with Abandon yet. We are not close, personal friends, but I have being forced to meet her. To let go of personal desires and throw my lot in with that of the One who knows your heart better than you do yourself. To stop trying to lead everything and follow. Fear still nips at my heels and trips me up. So...when no big dreams happen or nightmares come true...you listen for the still small voice. It can consume you and even drown out the noise.

Let me tell you about my amazing summer vacation. I was blessed to go to the East to West concert for one evening in June. It was the brief big dream of the summer. All but one of my family was there as well as numerous friends. It was loud and crowded. Trying to keep track of where my two younger kids were was a challenge. They were with many friends, in a well guarded Christian venue and they are smart and careful. We had a well thought out, over practiced plan for staying safe and communication...but I still have a bit of an irrational fear of losing them. The Newsboys were going full throttle, I was walled in by strangers near the front of the stage and pretty much grounded in a foot of mud. It's funny watching people try to jump to a fast beat in heavy muck. As I contemplated pushing through the sea of praisers to just try to get a glimpse of my kids...for my maternal OCD...something made me give up. The song Mr. Tait was screaming in my face was "I Want to Live With Abandon". So...that's what I did. I abandoned my irrational and unnecessary desire and let God be God for me. A very loud voice and still small one spoke to me all at once. I felt powerless and overwhelmed. I also felt loved and well cared for. His eyes were above this little crowd. He sees my children all the time.  I wondered at the party faces all around me, if they knew THIS feeling. Were they there just for a fun time? Did they really KNOW of whom they were singing? Did they have this ability to abandon everything and float on His hope and power? Stuck in the mud and floating. It was a great moment of praise. Vacation: "the action of leaving something one previously occupied". I vacated my own desires for a brief time. I had a lovely time. It was balmy, beautiful, restful and educational. I should go there more often...maybe even get a time-share.
 My inclination to avoid tragedy and chase fun is exhausting. It rarely goes the way I want it to. It also LOOKS LIKE everyone else is having what they want most of the time. The North American Dream/Lie. Tired? Yes, but not from external work. Tired form my own internal battle. The Lord is my Shepherd, I SHALL NOT WANT. Learning to live with Abandon. She is not someone I desire to embrace, but must if I am to experience Christ to the full. Now that the summer is over, the vacation pictures on facebook will dwindle, the scent of BBQ in the air will be less frequent and we can park the van for a little longer than usual. There is something soothing and contented about a little work and routine. No more chasing summer dreams for me. I will rest and float in the divine regular. I will try to treat triumph and disaster as imposters. Let neither have a hold on me. Take a vacation from your own will and retreat to His.




Comments

Tammy Sousa said…
We may be living out the same season...I can relate in so many levels. Learning to live with abandon is my hearts desire but what do we do to get there? Especially when fear takes over. I've always heard fear and faith can not occupy the same space. So I ask myself "what am I afraid of?"