I haven't been writing much lately. Sometimes that happens when your heart is too heavy, you cannot allow any words out. But how could I let an occasion like my first child's wedding go by without writing about it?
The morning of his wedding was strange for me. For a month or so before the day, I had to drink decaf coffee because my heart literally ached. I wasn't sad about it, just heavy. Sometimes your body feels things that your mind doesn't. I couldn't be more pleased with my son and his new wife, but he is still my little boy. The transfer of his heart from mine to hers, completely, is a joyous pain. It's a desired tearing. One that you wonder if anyone else feels, understands or even notices. I didn't even expect it.
My silence the morning of the wedding got my own attention. Why am I not talking? Why am I so apprehensive? I am excited for everything about this day, and yet I feel so heavy and bit afraid. If I speak anything the tears will flow. I got through the whole, incredibly sacred ceremony and walked back down the isle to the church foyer. The wedding party and Mr and Mrs were hugging one another, breathing sighs of relief and giggling. I glimpsed my baby boy, a husband, and watched him in such joy. He fought tears through the whole ceremony and was still leaking emotion. Holding back my legs to run to him, I stood back and took it all in. Too many memories that none but my husband and I can share. This person. Who is he now? Who am I to him now? What will it be like? So happy and proud, yet a little afraid.
After a few minutes of celebration, the big new husband found me. He wrapped his huge strong arms around me, head on my shoulder and let out all of his joy on me. It was a long teary embrace. No words. My back started to hurt from the weight of his muscle and our emotion. My last task as primary comforter. I needed it just as much as he did, I think. He is too big for me now. He has found a suitable helper and I am so happy about that. She is a small lady to hold his big stature, but God has made her heart huge, soft and full of His strength. She'll love him well.
All I needed was that silent, heavy hug. The shared emotion from the curious, blonde headed, drum beating, sugar craving, world-by-the-tail little diapered boy...sort of gone...transformed...beautiful.
I don't mind at all that the wedding is all about the bride and groom...it should be...but how grateful to God I am for that one embrace. That one strange acknowledgement of my relationship with him. What it was...that it was so good. I'm not afraid anymore. It's all about making a man, training a man, giving away a man and continuing to help a man in whatever way is best for him...no, for them. She is part of him now and I will be there for them, always them, never just him. It's true, you gain, not lose.
Oh, a mother's heart toward her child. It is such a powerful thing. It can both create and destroy. I must use it wisely, for God's glory and their benefit.