Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Good, the Bad and the Harley

When I was little, I would have these fits of rebellion. They rarely manifested themselves into an action, but they were felt. I would lay crying on my pillow, with Mom and Dad at the bedside, trying to help. Trying to articulate my unwanted emotions, my best explanation was "I just want to be bad". My parents, trying not to smile too much, would go through the list of "bad things" I might possibly want to do and I would honestly reject each one as the object of my obsession. With compassion and true concern, they would listen to my dramatic download and assure me of my mental health. Good parents.

Many years have past and I still haven't gone of on a rebellious crusade (yet) ;) I have, however found an outlet for my "bad girl" identity...and it's a blessing in disguise. Are you one of those people who just cannot live with yourself when you make a mistake or do wrong? I am. It's simply another, passive form of pride, but still pride. I get angry at others for expecting too much of me when I mess up, I feel depressed when I don't reach my own expectations and delve deep into a great movie when reality is just too awful to think about for that moment. Not great reactions to your failings.

So, the other day, I tried something new. I messed up with some un-earthshattering thing and forced myself to say, with attitude, "Who cares? So what? Whatcha gonna do about it?" Pictured myself with heavy black eyeliner, lip rings and a cigarette (gross). Has it really taken almost 40 years to give up the "I need to be perfect" ghost??? Yes, it has...and I have only just begun. I walked out of my room feeling free, human and still had a clear conscience. I can hear my mother applauding and cheering right about now...and my father, still protesting that I am able to do anything wrong. I think I've got it now...must practice...not messing up, but not caring so much about messing up. It's a pseudo-rebellion for me. A fighting against the powers of perfection and self exultation. I think I'll buy a Harley and get a tattoo. So if you come for a visit and see dirty dishes in the sink, me lying in bed at two in the afternoon watching a James Dean movie or hot dogs for dinner instead of home-grown chicken, remember...I'm actually bettering myself. Give me an "attagirl" and be glad about my choice of mid-life changes.

This is the part of aging that I like...shedding those hangups that you finally realize are pointless and peace robbers. I'll take wrinkles over hangups any day of the week.

I think I'll skip school Monday, go spend too much money on something and get an extra cream in my coffee...eeeewwww...I'm soooo bad ;)


Brad said...

Hmm, might have send the Eldership over to have a little

Holly said...

I LIVE with one of the Eldership...there has been FULL disclosure ;)